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We turn to the Internet. Or lack of it. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I have.

I'm not getting them back because they're burning in a bonfire in the backyard. Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking.

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He was right. Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. Excuse you?

Today, after spending years volunteering at community theatres and being accepted into a prestigious university for theatrical design, my public high school gave me a scholarship.

All my mother could say was "I'm sorry they wasted their money on you. Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer. Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse?

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She had to go. Today, I went with my sister to her company Christmas party. A few moments later, the manager came over and said, "You don't work here? You can't have that" and took it from me. Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. Today, my best friend slapped me and called me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wanted to talk to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend.

Not only am I a virgin, but I'm a lesbian. Today, after months of job searching I got a job interview. I also later got a phone call from the manager informing me they burned down, and all current employees will be relocated or dismissed, and that my interview, scheduled for tomorrow, is postponed indefinitely.

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Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!

By Peter C.

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Today, my friends and I were messing around with an app on my phone that makes your picture look fat. My picture looked the same before and after. Today, like every day for the past year or so, I went for a walk. And like every time I go for a walk, I got severely winded halfway through. Today, after losing his job, I reassured my boyfriend by telling him I'd rather be with him living in a cardboard box than to be without him.

He responded by telling me he'd rather be dead. Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. Today, I was having a conversation with a new friend when she remembered she needed to grab something from her car.

I don't know where she parked, but it's been two and a half hours and she's still gone. Today, I attended my school's special invitation-only awards ceremony, relieved that I was getting a much-needed scholarship. I watched all my friends go up and win scholarships. My whole family showed up for this. Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least people.

She said no.

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Today, it was my high school graduation. I brought my camera to capture these last memories, only to discover that the batteries were dead. When I got home and went to change them, I realized they were not dead, they were just put in the wrong way.

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. Today, I was getting coffee when I pulled my lip balm from my pocket and started playing with it in my hands, tapping it on my face and lip. There were there two gorgeous guys in front of me who kept turning around and staring at me. I was actually holding a tampon.

Today, while walking to my car after work, I witnessed some moron who was texting while riding her bike running right into my parked car, resulting in a broken side mirror, a damaged windshield, two dents, and for her, a broken phone and nose. She's threatening to sue me for damages.

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Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum.

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He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. By Ohshucks!

I'm not only going to miss him, but I'll also miss my car keys that I accidentally left in his car. I drive for a living. Today, my dad decided to clean his muddy shoes right beside me by clapping them together, causing mud to fly all over me.

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This wouldn't have been a problem had I not been wearing my white wedding dress just before getting married. Today, my dad got angry with me for not watching "Better Call Saul" with him, because he thinks it will help me with law school. He did this while I was actually reading for a class taught by the top health law professor in the country. Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures.

I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time.

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Afterwards we went to Applebees for dinner, then after we'd ate I asked "How was it? Today, it was the first time I was going to fly first class. I ended up in the bathroom almost the whole flight with diarrhea. Today, I purpose woke up early so that I could be prepared for a class taught by a professor who thinks I'm an idiot. This professor was the first to tell me that I'm 2 hours early and asked very slowly if I know how schedules worked.

She seriously sounded concerned. Today, I discovered that you can't always assume your little brother is kidding when he says that you have a spider on top of your head.

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up.

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I told him that I'm in love with him. He said "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob. Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. Add a comment - Reply to :. You must be logged in to be able to post comments! Top comments. Send a private message 88 1 Reply.

Send a private message 20 1 Reply. Send a private message 2 34 Reply. And yet another reason why I want to upvote the moderators. Send a private message 7 0 Reply. He used so many that I had to go to the ER for severe dehydration after puking and shitting for hours. Gifts for the whole family Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. Great boyfriend Today, I'm 37 years-old and recently out of a job.

As my boyfriend refuses to pay more than half the rent as long as I live here, I have no choice but to move back in with my mom, 8 hours away. My man is quite happy to pay the entire rent as soon as I'm gone. Planned parenthood Today, I found out that I'm pregnant.

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He either didn't notice or didn't care. Back in the red Today, I sneezed and pulled every muscle in my lower back. Round 3, here we come. Sludge factory Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea.

Only 5 more days to go.

can not

I had run out of toothpaste. Going nowhere fast Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character.

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Who happens to be an ermine. Zedonging intensifies Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool.

Denial Today, I got told repeatedly to "stay in my lane" by a woman in her 40s. Because I politely asked her if she had a mask when she entered the retail store I work in. Our policy is that everyone must wear a face mask in the store at all times.

One hour down, 8 more to go. He'll understand when he's older Today, I was reading one of the numerous Thomas the Tank Engine books to my 3-year-old, train obsessed, nanny kid. They needed tinder to relight Thomas's firebox. I laughed when reading this and told him, "I have Tinder too! Experts, schmexperts Today, my mom took medical advice from her friend over mine. Her friend sells cheese and I'm a pharmacist. I shaved yesterday.

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Entitled bitch Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it.

She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. Love is blind Today, my ex-wife confessed to me that she's in love with my father and broke down crying because he's never approved of her.

No pain, no meds Today, I finally got to come home after hours spent in a locked down ER after a car accident. My injuries were non life-threatening, but pretty damn painful. I asked my sister to pick up my pain meds from the pharmacy for me. She got drunk and "lost them", AKA gave them to her dirtbag boyfriend. Before I could take it off, she quickly leaned over the counter and coughed on me.

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. Today, I had a fight with my grandma again with whom I've been living for 4 years due to college hostel being below par.

She blamed me for destroying her kitchen equipment by extensively cooking, especially at night. I've never placed a foot inside her kitchen since the beginning.

Zoning out

Today, I was told by a former coworker that my former boss still talks about me being lazy since I refused to do a few things on 3rd shift when there was I agree, your life sucks 2. You deserved it 2. I also learned if I blabber on without ending a command, like when sending a text I agree, your life sucks 3. You deserved it 7. Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to tell me he couldn't take it anymore because my legs were too hairy.

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2 Comments

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